The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
16:07 Sep 30 2010
Times Read: 788

A young lady with small breasts went to Dr. Smith to find out about enlarging her breasts.



Dr Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, aloud, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'"



She did this faithfully for several months!



To her utter amazement, she grew terrific G-cup boobs!



One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and, in a panic, realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.





Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."



A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"



"Yes I am.. How did you know?"



He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock..."

**Sniggers**
13:51 Sep 29 2010
Times Read: 806

Fred and Bill got married in California.



They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's house for their first married night together.



In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.



As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Bill are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.



Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'



His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!



Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum 'Are Fred and Bill up yet?'



She replies 'No.



Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'



His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think!



Eat your lunch and go back to school.'



After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, Are Fred and Bill up yet?'



His mum says, 'No.'

He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?'



His mum replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'



He says:



'Last night Fred came to my room for Vaseline and I think......



I gave him my airplane glue.'

**Giggles**
01:32 Sep 29 2010
Times Read: 814

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground,

Standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on it doesn't matter to me.



I just love it!"





Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding, I'm in the Conservative Party, too! Which constuency are you from?"

**Giggles**
23:39 Sep 27 2010
Times Read: 838

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.



So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers.”



He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.





The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.



He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.







"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.





"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.





When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.





The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."





He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.





"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.





"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

**Guffaw**
23:51 Sep 26 2010
Times Read: 845

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.



The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"





The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser.



I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.



But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"



"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab.



"They reckon it'll calm me down."



The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"



The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger.



I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.



When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.



But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."



"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.



"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.



The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"



"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.



"I'll hump anything.



I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.



I want to hump everything I see."



Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.



I hopped on her back and started hammering away."



The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"



The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

**Guffaw**
13:27 Sep 26 2010
Times Read: 847

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.





He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.







After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"







The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.







In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:







1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.







2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.







3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate..







4. The woman sitting next to me a blonde, professional weight lifter.







5. The lady to your right is a blonde, professional wrestler.







Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.







Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"







The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

**Giggles**
01:08 Sep 26 2010
Times Read: 857

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

and decided to get rid of him one

day by driving him 20 blocks

from his home and leaving him at the park.



As he was getting home, the cat was

walking up the driveway.



The next day he decided to drive the cat

40 blocks away. He put the beast

out and headed home.



Driving back up his driveway,

there was the cat!



He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.



Hours later the man calls home to his wife:





'Jen, is the cat there?'



'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?'



Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put the smart arse on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!'

**Giggles**
16:32 Sep 24 2010
Times Read: 867

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..



I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.



As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'



I thought....



Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....

They will remember.



My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.



As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss,

and by the way Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.



I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door

and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go !'



We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.



On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We ?'



I responded, 'I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?'

She said,

'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'



After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,



' Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.



She went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my wife, my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.





And I just sat there....



On the couch....



Naked.

**Snigger**
00:51 Sep 23 2010
Times Read: 882

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.



Four worms were placed into four separate jars.



The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.



The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.



The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.



The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.



At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:



The first worm in alcohol – Dead



The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead



Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.



So the Minister asked the congregation –



What did you learn from this demonstration?



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

**Grins**
00:31 Sep 23 2010
Times Read: 884

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,

Who was now living in England and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over

-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will

Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!

Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector

About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the

Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power

Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they would Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I

Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was

Confining wild animals against their will. They

Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and

It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in

A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the

Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They

Insist I have to hire only Union workers with

Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

" The Government beat me to it."

**Grins**
00:45 Sep 22 2010
Times Read: 893

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.







The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:







Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.





No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?



It made of concrete.







I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?



No, we have carport, and not need one.





I mean what are your relations like?



All my relations still in Poland.







Is there any infidelity in your marriage?



We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.





Does your wife beat you up?



No, I always up before her.







Is your wife a nagger?



No, she white.







Why do you want this divorce?



She going to kill me.







What makes you think that?

I got proof.







What kind of proof?



She going to poison me.







She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:





~~~Polish Remover~~~

**Giggles**
14:04 Sep 19 2010
Times Read: 903

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.



One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.



The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."



The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.



While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.



The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.



His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.



No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.



His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.



As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.



The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

**Grins**
00:01 Sep 19 2010
Times Read: 906

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".



The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.



I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.



She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

**Giggles**
23:36 Sep 17 2010
Times Read: 917

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!



**









A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.



Paddy ordered a whisky.



The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.



He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"



Paddy handed his drink back and said



"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"







**





Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.



The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"



Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your bloody plane!"



**





Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,

I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts



"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"



Murphy watches in amazement!



The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"



So he leaves the site.



Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.



"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.



"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.





**





Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.



After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".



**



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says

"You know what I want, don't you?"





"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bleeding bed by the looks of it!"



**





Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?



A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!





**





Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.



He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!





**





Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.



A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"



**





Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.



Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.



He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"



Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"





**





Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.



"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"



**





Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.



Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"



Paddy says "What's his name?"



Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

**Nods**
12:17 Sep 16 2010
Times Read: 927

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.





This year's term was "Political Correctness."







The winner wrote:



"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

**Giggles**
00:16 Sep 15 2010
Times Read: 938

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.



Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.



She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.



So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.



Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.







With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.



About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.



She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'

**Giggles**
13:08 Sep 10 2010
Times Read: 950

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's

voice from the kitchen



"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or lamb?"



I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."



She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

**Guffaw**
12:01 Sep 09 2010
Times Read: 968

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.



After having great sex ...



She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...



Something she just loved to do.



As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"



Because ... She Replied ....



"I Really Miss Mine"

**Giggles**
13:41 Sep 07 2010
Times Read: 980




A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.



They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.



On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.



He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.



However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.



She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"



The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.



I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."



The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.



Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"



"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley.



We'll be there in no time.”



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.



How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"



The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady!



I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.



How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"



The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

**Guffaw**
00:58 Sep 04 2010
Times Read: 996

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm no longer welcome at KFC.

**Giggles**
16:37 Sep 01 2010
Times Read: 1,007

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power.'







Top tip;



If you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........



Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.





I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today... Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean 'What I thought it did.'





A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'sorry about the wait.'



I said, 'don't worry, you'll lose it eventually.'





One of life's great mysteries –



How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............?



But she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?





Snow hell!



The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself, 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'





I have a new chat up line that works every time!!



It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............



Here's how it goes, 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'





Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.



But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!